So I Guess That Means We Will Be Parents
Those pink lines, how did they show up on that pregnancy test right away? Was I not supposed to wait for three minutes? But there it was - pink on white - pregnant. We had not planned on trying for a child for another two months, but it seems that my body was more ready than our minds. I waited for those three minutes in the bathroom, just to make sure, and my initial reaction was to laugh. As I waited, I realized that it is so much more than just laughter-- it is laughter filled with surprise and joy, excitement and fear. It is the only expression my body can produce on top of all those emotions. I take my laughter and the test, which still has those two pink lines, to the livingroom and share the news with my partner. To my relief, his body reacts in the same way as mine did just minutes ago. He laughs, with all of the emotions he could muster in that moment. Feeling equal in our reactions, joy takes over, we hug and kiss, we look, with puzzled expressions, into each other’s eyes and try to sum up how our lives have just been turned around by two pink lines. We both have a background in research, so we take another test, just to make sure. There are still those two lines.
I am going to be a mother soon, or am I a mother already, now that I know what is growing inside of me?
My partner, being the rational mathematician that he is, starts googling what I can eat, what kind of exercises are good, when I should talk to our doctor, how far along is that tiny blob that soon grows into a human baby. Me, being the feeling psychologist that I am, tries to feel into my physical reactions, my emotions, and my thoughts all while getting lectures from the side about pasteurised cheese. Why is it so hard to get in touch with just my body to begin with? I know I am not supposed to feel anything yet, but why is it suddenly so difficult to just feel below my belly button? Breathing meditations had made it so easy for me to feel into that part of my body, why not now?
It took a few days for me to realize that the proper point for me to start grasping this new part of me, was by listening to my mind. Allowing my thoughts to be, just observing and learning. And oh boy was I learning those days --learning about my idealization of motherhood, and my expectancy to be almost a goddess like pool of love, harmony, and shelter for an unborn life. I was learning about being ready for every aspect of motherhood, from conception, to growing a baby, giving birth and all the stages up to the child's 18th birthday. I was also learning about my irrational fear of turning into a horrible mother that traumatizes her child.
As I observed and tried to just accept my thoughts, a subtle calmness started to wander through my mind, like a calm smile taking over. I slowly realized that I do not have to be ready yet. That tiny baby inside my belly is not ready to meet the world, just as I am not ready to call myself a mother yet. I am carrying a tiny miracle in my body and my body, in its wisdom, helps to nourish and support it. I can support the process by eating healthy and living a conscious life, but I am not giving birth to a baby just yet, and I don’t have to deal with the tantrums of a 4 years old kid yet.
As the tiny miracle needs time to prepare itself and grow, I also need time to prepare myself and grow. It is a process that we will go through together, and I think that is quite beautiful.
I am 12 weeks pregnant now and that calm smile is still present in my mind. I do not know when I will feel like a mother. When I can feel the first movements? Or when I hold my baby in my arms for the first time? All I know is that we are both (well all three of us) not ready yet. That is okay, we have a few months to prepare and grow. Though I am sure that we will be ready, even though we might not think it, when the time comes for this miracle to arrive.
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